Infertility Girl…

December 13, 2010 § 2 Comments

Some of you may know that I was attempting to keep up two different blogs. Yes. At one time I was writing about six posts a week. Just saying that makes me tired. So after much prayer and consideration, I decided to combine my two blogs.

I will have a recurring “Infertility Girl” post about once a week or so. If you don’t know my infertility journey, you can check it out here. Over the next month or so I will be transferring my posts from my old blog here. I will try to just import them so that those of you who are getting my posts by e-mail won’t be overrun by my blog posts.

Now to the post:

Last night infertility girl had a bit of a melt down.

Nothing spectacular happened or changed.

Just a scene from a drama a church kept striking a chord. A dissonant chord that caused pain as it vibrated through. The scene was lovely and touching. Elizabeth was holding baby John the Baptist on part of the stage and on the other part Mary was holding baby Jesus and they sang a song to their babies.

My heart ached at the mystery of God coming to earth as a baby. Wrapped in flesh rather than in His glory. My throat tightened at the sight. Those babies were only baby dolls, but the idea of holding a newborn babe, one that I had been carrying for months in my womb, also captured me. Christmas, the joy of God coming to Earth, is the season is full of stories of miraculous births.

Reminders that unless God creates a miracle in my body like He did for Mary and Elizabeth, I will never know those glorious sensations again.

Tears came over me. Washing down my face. The sheer volume of the tears surprised me.

But with the tears came faith.
Faith that God has a glorious plan for me and my family.
Faith that He knows what we can handle.
Faith that¬†I need to focus on God’s riches awaiting me in heaven.

The anticipated joy of heaven did not assuage my grief, but the joy and grief mingled together.

As Jesus experienced on the cross. Hebrews 12:2 says, “…For the joy set before Him [Jesus] endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Jesus suffered cruelly on the cross. Yet He chose the cross for joy. Just like now I am choosing to rest in God’s promises. I am not doing it because it is easy or it makes my grief easier. No, I am resting on God because there is a joy to come in heaven. That joy is better than any pain I could experience here on earth.

Do you experience the bond between joy and grief? How does that shape your view of God? Do you think the grief in the joy keeps us longing for eternity?

Leave your comments below. I would love to hear from you.

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