Rethinking My Dreams

March 8, 2011 § 10 Comments

What is not going “your way,” but God’s way? Share what God is doing in His way. I can’t wait to hear about what He is doing for you.


Am I Crazy?

March 1, 2011 § 2 Comments

Am I crazy? The question rattled around in my brain and down to my heart. The silence was deafening. My heart beat quickened as I twisted myself into a pretzel. Stomach on the bed, rear in the air, twisting enough to get that injection in my hip. I knew I didn’t want the soreness putting the needle in my leg would cause.

The pinch of the needle and sting of the medicine didn’t answer my question. In fact I wondered if the hormones were making me mad. Mood swings – anger, happiness, grief – they all blurred together. I wondered what others thought of me. I felt raw, on edge, ready to pounce. My sore rear-end and abdomen full of holes testified to the unnatural way to conception. The hope of new life in my womb did little to ease the fears of what-ifs. My heart told my mind it didn’t know if I could handle it. My mind told my heart to buck up. My heart rebelled. It was a battle inside…

Looking back I still wonder. Was I crazy? Crazy to take hormones that made my ovaries so huge I was in severe pain. Pain that reminded me of my tubal pregnancies – of my losses. Was I losing this baby too? Could the unthinkable happen and one of my embryos float into my tube? Was I going to lose another one?

Crazy to think that frozen babies would never steal my heart the way the ones in my belly did. I read the literature, knew the side effects, I practically became an expert myself. Yet I didn’t know. I couldn’t have seen the way in-vitro fertilization would affect me, my husband, and my children. I never imagined myself discussing my menstrual cycle with one of the pastors at my church, but that’s what IVF did.

Would I tell someone go for it – fertility treatments are so worth it? Well, yes and no. My final answer is that I would never in a million years wish IVF on my worst enemy. Never. EVER! However I look at my two miracles, my IVF babes the ones I got to hold in my arms as well as my womb and heart and I know it was worth it.

Many others don’t have my storybook ending. Many end up broke and childless. So is IVF the answer? I would argue it may be an answer. I urge you to pray for wisdom and direction. I urge you to go into these treatments with open eyes, open hearts, open hands. I believed God was in control, I knew He would not give us more than we could handle and I prayed we would know when it was time to say we are done.

I’ll be honest, my heart says we are not done, but my mind knows for the sake of our finances, for the sake of our children, for the sake of my body we can’t do it again. My husband agrees.

The question remains…Am I crazy since I still want more?

Please pray for infertile couples. It is a difficult road. If you are infertile please let me pray for you by leaving a prayer request in the comments. The comment button is located under the title of each post.

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Rethinking Following Your Heart

February 17, 2011 § 14 Comments

Here is another vlog for your enjoyment. I only wish you all could comment back in video form to my blog. Wouldn’t that be cool?


April 23, 2010 § Leave a comment

Have you ever been surprised at what God does when you actually ask Him?  Sometimes we Christians walk through life acting like, this is something I can handle or do on my own.  I’ll ask God when it is something big or I get into a crunch, but really He isn’t that interested in the small details right?  I should be able to decide how to spend my time today and if I give God about five or ten minutes in His word and praying for my struggling friends then I am good.  I’ve got my life together right now…I mean everything is going well.  Why bother God?

How foolish we are at times.  We settle for “good enough” when God has abundant life waiting for us.  Jesus didn’t just save us for a “good enough” life.  He didn’t rescue us from slavery to sin for an “ok” life.  NO He rescued us for more than that…For abundant life (John 10:10).  Does that mean we will have everything our hearts desire?  NO, but here is the kicker.  Why aren’t we living an abundant life?  Why are we settling for ok?  We aren’t asking…

Check out James 4:2, “You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.”  Asking God sometimes means He changes our hearts to His will.  It sometimes means that He moves in a miraculous way to take care of us.  It sometimes means He will encourage you to ask others again.  I am not good at asking others to do things because I would like to think I can do it myself, I don’t want to bother others, they are busy anyway…The list goes on…However God has put me in two positions recently that have required me to ask for help and even, (be still my heart), follow-up with people.  I am not talking about pressuring others into doing something God doesn’t have for them to do.  I am talking about personally saying, I see these great gifts in you that would bless others would you consider this position or role?

You see when you ask God He may tell you to ask others.  When you ask others He may tell you to do it more personally.  Instead of the mass e-mail or facebook message send a personal one or even…actually call someone on the phone.  I realize that it isn’t easy.  It may be outside your comfort zone, but if you don’t do it when God tells you to you are in sin.  So ask.  Ask God, ask others as He directs, but don’t forget nothing is too little for God.  We always remember nothing is too BIG, but never forget nothing is too little for Him either.

Identifying with Jonah

March 29, 2010 § 2 Comments

So, “Jonah was a prophet, ooo-ooo, but he really never got it, sad but true, if you watch him you can spot it, doodlie do, he did not get the point.”  So if you know Veggie Tales and you have seen their movie Jonah, you know the song I just quoted.  However, I often find myself acting in the same way Jonah did.  I clearly understand that God tells us to, ‘”Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.”‘ Mark 16:15  So why do I often do as Jonah did and say I don’t want to and run in the other direction?  Below are some thoughts that came about while the senior pastor at our church was doing a series on Jonah.

How often does God have something for me to do and I go kicking and screaming?  “I don’t want to!” I stamp my foot like my two year old and cross my arms.  “Do I have to?”  I whine like my five year old.  Or even worse I arch my back and wail like my 8 month old.

“Daughter I have given you a story to share.  Share it.”

“But it hurts Lord, I don’t want to!”

“Daughter I have given you that story to bless others.  You prayed that those situations would bring Me glory.”

“But I do I have to share that story God?”

“Daughter I have given you strength beyond your capabilities, I have given you eloquence beyond your understanding, I have given you experiences bigger than yourself that you might share them with others.”

I arch my back and wail….

Then I wonder why God isn’t using me.  How can I be of importance to His kingdom?  What am I to do?  His answer is “go and tell.”  My answer is so often, “no.”

Father forgive me.  Forgive my stubborn stiff necked ways.  Forgive my hard heart that holds my experiences with You tightly.  Forgive my selfishness that doesn’t share Your river of life with those who are aching for it as in the dry and weary land.  Oh Father that I would have a heart like Yours.  That I would lay down my hopes and dreams, my plans, my expectations at Your feet.  Lord that I may say with Your Son, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”  That I would suffer for You.  Not because of my sin, not because of my hard heart, but because I am willing to say no to myself and yes to Your will.  Father prune my vine of the things that distract me from serving You.  Father I trust that as I die to my hopes, my plans, that I will grow like a seed to produce more and more fruit for Your glory and honor.  Sovereign One, as I release my grip on the direction I want and think my life should go, may I rest in knowing You love me, You have plans for me, and You are never out of control.  The pruning makes the plant more beautiful so I pray my life may be more clearly reflective of Your beauty.  The death to myself allows me to bear much fruit and allows others to see You more clearly.  Finally resting in the back seat as You control and direct my life gives me peace, endurance, and joy that in all things that Your name will be honored glorified.

The Cloud…It Resides in even me!

March 4, 2010 § Leave a comment

So I am reading more about those Israelites and Moses.  There are times when I LONG for the physical manifestation of God’s Spirit that they had.  They were essentially nomads.  They were living in tents and following God every step of the way.  At first they had the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, that was God’s divine guidance for the Israelites.  Then later once the tent of meeting was completed they had this cloud that would hang out inside the holy place on the mercy seat of the ark of the testimony until it was time to move again and then it would hover over the tent of meeting so the Israelites would know it was time to move on.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a physical sign essentially flashing saying, “GO this way and NOW.”  I would certainly have more clarity or at least I think I would.  The bottom line is that even with this physical manifestation of God the Israelites whined, complained, and didn’t trust God.  They didn’t have the type of food they wanted, the land they were to conquer was filled with scary giants, when water was scarce they asked if Moses brought them out to the desert to die…I look at that and I think WHAT were these people doing?  However my reading in Numbers 11 last night finally illuminated it for me…

You see Moses was tired of the Israelites complaining.  He was fed up with their rebellious and stiff-necked ways.  He said to the Lord, “”Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? 12 Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers? 13 Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ 14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.”  Numbers 11:11-15  I LOVE that Moses the man God chose to lead His people, the man who committed murder, the man who has been pouring out his life to lead God’s people, the man who speaks to God face to face could ask God this question.  Let’s think about this, Moses saw the miracles and was the vessel for the plagues to begin and end.  He knew God’s power, he knew God’s strength, he knew God’s sufficiency, and yet he was troubled.

Have you ever been in charge of a group of people?  Your children?  Student council?  A Bible study?  Children you are babysitting?  You may love and care for these people whomever they are, but they begin to moan or won’t listen or are disrespectful.  They begin to be a difficult burden to bear and here Moses tells God I can’t do it alone…Don’t you think God wanted Moses there?  If we could do it all by ourselves it wouldn’t be God in us and it wouldn’t be God through us corporately.  He wants us together doing His business.  Don’t you think this is the picture of Godly community in which God wants us to participate?  (ok the community thing is a side note, but true, we can’t do this Christian life alone.  we have to have a community of believers around us.  we can do more together anyway).

So God tells Moses to call seventy leaders from the people so that God’s spirit will reside in them as well as Moses.  Here is the rub for me.  The Israelites had the physical manifestation of God’s spirit to see, but they didn’t have God’s spirit within them.  Let me say it this way, they didn’t have the indwelling Holy Spirit guiding, directing, changing their hearts.  See the difference.  The Israelites had something they could see, but not abide in.  They had something physical, but not internal.  Once the Holy Spirit descended at Pentecost every person who puts their faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior becomes the mercy seat.  No, they don’t physically see God, but they have a deep abiding relationship with His Spirit.  They can quench the fire of the Spirit, but they can’t lose it.  It is like knowing who the President is as he guides our country.  Following him because he is our elected leader.  Maybe you don’t always like or understand his decisions and maybe you respectfully oppose his leadership, but he is still leader.  Or living in the White House with the president.  Eating breakfast with him chatting about the health care plan over lunch, following through his daily itinerary.  In the first scenario there is no true relationship other than you know who the president is and you know he is leading you.  The second scenario you have a deep abiding relationship.  You go with him wherever he takes you.  It is the same with God.  The cloud of His Spirit is in me!  His guidance and direction are in ME!  He has made his abode or home within me.  I have the opportunity to daily see that Cloud, hourly I can consult that Cloud, every minute He is available to me to rejoice or comfort or guide or direct.  I only have to take the time to do it.

Praise God that He didn’t just leave us with the physical manifestation of His Spirit.  He had better things in store for us.  He had a desire for this deep abiding relationship.  He desires that relationship with you, with me, with Barack Obama, with George Bush, with Sarah Palin,  with Howard Stern.  Isn’t it amazing?  What a God we serve!

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