Madness…March and Other Kinds

My heart thundered in my chest as I tied my shoe. I wanted to win…I got the ball and went up for a shot. I missed, but I knew I was fouled.

You would have thought I was playing in the NCAA National Tournament. Instead I was nine-years-old playing 3-on-3 during recess with my friends.

I was so angry that a foul wasn’t called that I slapped one of my friends in her face. I was MAD! I also ended up in the principal’s office which nearly killed my little I don’t-want-to-disappoint-those-in-authority heart.

Over twenty years later, I still have that madness in me. I want to win, I want to be right, I want to be smart, I want to be strong. I don’t want to be told I can’t do something. That madness is pride.

But God. He has a way of changing our hearts. He reminds me that being right isn’t most important, love is. He has used my children to humble me, my husband to teach me submission, and my friends to help me learn to laugh at myself. He has taught me that grace is more important than my pitiful pride. So I thank Him for so many things…

301. Basketball…I forget how much I like it.
302. “Pway wif me mommy”
303. The sunlight through my blinds
304. “Mommy you turned off the lights” when the sun became obscured by clouds
305. The sound of my dryer because I have one and I have clothes to dry.
306. Toys everywhere showing me signs of life
307. WARM weather
308. Prayer the honor and privilege to come to the throne of grace.
309. Friends who sharpen and refine me
310. Smell of fresh-baked bread
311. Water from the faucet is clean and ok to drink
312. Hot water for warm showers and baths.
313. Laughter
314. A friend who spends two hours with me waiting for my car to be “tuned-up” at the car dealership.
315. Spring break…Ahh deep breath…
316. Sonic Chicago style hot dog
317. A haircut…Seriously I lose at least 2 pounds every time she cuts it.
318. God’s word it is applicable to me, to my kids, to sixth graders, to college students, to 90 year olds. It is amazing.
319. That God wants me to be a part of His plan and His family. Little ol’ sinful me.
320. My husband..He will always lead me even when I have a hard time following.
321. God blesses me when I follow my husband’s lead
322. A new computer
323. My husband spoils me
324. My little J saying, “you my best swend (friend) mommy.”
325. Listening to a friend teach on hospitality…She blessed me with her words.

What are you thankful for? Share! I can’t wait to hear!

Coffee Stains…

So my attitude has been terrible lately….

Bad attitude about events I needed to attend

Bad attitude about potty training

Bad attitude about cleaning my house

Bad attitude about writing

Bad attitude….I prayed my attitude would not infect others. I believe mostly I kept it between God and I…There was that one morning…My bad attitude infected my kids…I am glad for grace…

And I have stained my clothes with coffee the last two days.

Here is what I realized…My bad attitude lasted as long as I kept to myself. My cave, my cocoon. Yes I need time to myself and I need quiet and I need to think, but God created us for community…

My bad attitude feeds on my solitary self-centered meditations. It feeds on my thoughts, my concerns, my disappointments. I flounder in self-pity and continue to pet and primp my bad attitude. I deserve better. I don’t want to do that! Everyone else needs to get with the program.

Then it happens…A friend calls, I enter into her world. I listen to what God is doing in her life, her concerns, her frustrations, her fears. I stop looking only to myself, my frustrations and see there is more out there. I discover that the world does not revolve around me. I find perspective in the middle of my irritation. My frustrations do not dissipate. My attitude doesn’t magically get better. However taking my eyes off of me and placing them on the One who has plans for me changes my heart. Why does it take a friend’s difficulties to draw my eyes to Him? I don’t really know, but one thing I do know.

God created community for this…to draw us out of our self-centered little holes and bad attitudes.

What have you learned through community that you couldn’t learn any other way? I can’t wait to hear!

Have Mercy!

Someone asked me knowing what I know now what I would tell my sixteen-year-old self if I could go back in time.

Sixteen…Driving…High School…After school job…Kansas Bible Camp…Debate/Forensics (speaking tournaments not CSI type stuff)…Youth Group…

I was the “good little Christian girl.” I carried my Bible to school. I helped lead a Bible Study (held off campus on Thursday nights). I spent summers working at Kansas Bible Camp. I went to church every Sunday and since my church was too small for a youth group I went to Topeka Bible Church on Sunday nights for youth stuff. I prayed at See ya at the Pole events.

I looked great on the outside. Oh, but I missed out on something. Somehow I thought I was smart enough to figure out that I needed God. Everyone who hadn’t figured out they needed Jesus were less intelligent than me.

I stood in judgment of those who were not following Jesus. Instead of extending grace, I looked down. Instead of considering someone’s story, held them accountable for what I had experienced. Surely everyone heard of Jesus, surely they should know. I did not realize the depth of my need. Instead I decided who was worthy of God’s love.

I fear I pushed more away from God than towards Him. I behaved like a self-righteous Pharisee and I looked great on the outside, while on the inside I was a rotting corpse. I missed grace and mercy. I read James and didn’t apply verses like:

“Act and speak as those who will be judged by the law that gives freedom because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” James 2:12-13

I am grateful that God’s mercy extended to even me. I have since become aware that I am helpless and hopeless without Jesus. I am aware of the ugliness of my sin and my desperate need for grace and mercy. Since God has made me aware of this, I am more able to offer mercy and grace to others.

How about you? What would you tell your 16 year-old self?