Wrestling with God…

March 9, 2011 § 4 Comments

I couldn’t understand what was happening.
None of it made sense.
It doesn’t happen this way.

Yet there I was, in less than six months my ability to conceive was stripped from me.
My tubes ruptured my womb empty, my heart grieving, my babies lost.

I had so many questions that didn’t have answers, at least not on this side of eternity.
I had to choose. I had to decide if I would cling to God despite the fact that He could have intervened, that He could have made my babies implant in the right place, He could have kept my tubes from rupturing. I had to choose to believe that either God was good and faithful all the time or He was bad and unfaithful.

So I chose. I chose to cling to my omnipotent, amazingly loving God. Oh, but I didn’t only cling. I wrestled. I brought to God my questions, my pain, my barren body. I asked why. I wrestled over how unfair it was that children were given to mothers and fathers who didn’t care or wouldn’t care or would abuse them. I wrestled with Him over whether fertility treatments were right for our family or not. I clung to Him as I begged for a miracle in my body.


In the wrestling, in the clinging I discovered something. When I wrestled with Him, I was close enough to hear Him speak. He spoke words of comfort, He spoke words of direction, He spoke words of healing. That healing often involved painful cleansings and death to myself, my desires, my way. Oh, but God is bigger than my doubts, bigger than my questions, bigger than my inability to conceive naturally. In the wrestling I grew closer to Him. In the wrestling God blessed me. In the wrestling I have been forever changed.

Are you facing a difficult time in your life? Have you decided to cling to God? If not what are you waiting for?

Are you wrestling with God? As you wrestle are you listening to Him? What is He telling you?

Consider reading Daniel 3:16-18 (Shadrach Meshach and Abednego had to choose whether to cling to God or not. Read their choice).

Then read Genesis 32:22-32 (Jacob wrestles with God and clings to Him until God blesses Him, but he walks away changed forever).

How do these passages shape your ideas of clinging to God and wrestling with Him?

I can’t wait to hear what you think.

Rethinking Rejoicing…

February 3, 2011 § 8 Comments

Well, I finally figured out my YouTube issue I had yesterday. So now you can see my vlog! Woo Hoo!

Also I want to thank Julie Gillies for the tweet that inspired this vlog!

Can’t wait to hear what you think! Jump in and share!

Joy and Grief Mingle, at Least Here

December 29, 2010 § 5 Comments

I long for the day when grief no longer taints joy.

Our most joyful days on earth are tainted. Pain, fear, grief mingle and mix with our joy.

Day I accepted Jesus as my Savior…Joy of forgiveness of sins, pure love from heaven washed the fear of hell away. Yet knowing some would still choose hell over grace and mercy caused grief.

Graduating High School…The joy of accomplishment, the fear of what is next, the grief of friends lost during the journey.

Wedding Day…Joy, excitement, my man, my soul-mate, my life-partner mix with the sadness of leaving my family to cleave to my husband. The joy of making our own way entangled with the fear of leaving all I have known.

Birth of children…Incredible joy, love, and excitement. Mixed with PAIN in the process, fear of failure, and for some grief due to illness or tragedy.

Is the grief, pain, and fear in the joy a reminder for us? Is it God’s loving way to remind us Earth is not our home?

It points to what is not, but what “should be.” Does the pointing mean there is more? Does it mean that at some point the “should be” is what will be?

I believe that the answer is yes. I long and wait in fear and joyful expectation for that day. That DAY when:

“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Oh that I would allow those painful, fearful, grieving, joyful moments to turn my heart and mind to His return. That I would wait in hopeful expectation of that day –
when joy and grief no longer cling;
when tears, mourning, death, and pain are no more.

Oh what a day that will be!

Infertility Girl…

December 13, 2010 § 2 Comments

Some of you may know that I was attempting to keep up two different blogs. Yes. At one time I was writing about six posts a week. Just saying that makes me tired. So after much prayer and consideration, I decided to combine my two blogs.

I will have a recurring “Infertility Girl” post about once a week or so. If you don’t know my infertility journey, you can check it out here. Over the next month or so I will be transferring my posts from my old blog here. I will try to just import them so that those of you who are getting my posts by e-mail won’t be overrun by my blog posts.

Now to the post:

Last night infertility girl had a bit of a melt down.

Nothing spectacular happened or changed.

Just a scene from a drama a church kept striking a chord. A dissonant chord that caused pain as it vibrated through. The scene was lovely and touching. Elizabeth was holding baby John the Baptist on part of the stage and on the other part Mary was holding baby Jesus and they sang a song to their babies.

My heart ached at the mystery of God coming to earth as a baby. Wrapped in flesh rather than in His glory. My throat tightened at the sight. Those babies were only baby dolls, but the idea of holding a newborn babe, one that I had been carrying for months in my womb, also captured me. Christmas, the joy of God coming to Earth, is the season is full of stories of miraculous births.

Reminders that unless God creates a miracle in my body like He did for Mary and Elizabeth, I will never know those glorious sensations again.

Tears came over me. Washing down my face. The sheer volume of the tears surprised me.

But with the tears came faith.
Faith that God has a glorious plan for me and my family.
Faith that He knows what we can handle.
Faith that I need to focus on God’s riches awaiting me in heaven.

The anticipated joy of heaven did not assuage my grief, but the joy and grief mingled together.

As Jesus experienced on the cross. Hebrews 12:2 says, “…For the joy set before Him [Jesus] endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Jesus suffered cruelly on the cross. Yet He chose the cross for joy. Just like now I am choosing to rest in God’s promises. I am not doing it because it is easy or it makes my grief easier. No, I am resting on God because there is a joy to come in heaven. That joy is better than any pain I could experience here on earth.

Do you experience the bond between joy and grief? How does that shape your view of God? Do you think the grief in the joy keeps us longing for eternity?

Leave your comments below. I would love to hear from you.

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